


The Constancy of Change

by geethr75



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: M/M, Not A Fix-It, Not Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Compliant, Not Spider-Man: Homecoming Compliant, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-24
Updated: 2017-04-26
Packaged: 2018-10-23 10:44:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,487
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10717830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/geethr75/pseuds/geethr75
Summary: Steve comes back to find everything has changed





	1. Chapter 1

The Avengers are back.

To the world, they appear the same. They are back to being the Superhero team that the world is used to seeing. They work together just as efficiently, and just as seamlessly as they ever did.

The Accords have been scrapped to be replaced by a highly watered down version that leaves the Avengers as autonomous as they were before, with the only proviso being they were to be accountable to a world body in case of damages caused to life or property during their missions. For those familiar with such things, there is a detailed description of the procedures involved in bringing an Avenger to justice in all the newspapers the day after the Avengers sign it.

"Too much red tape," remarks Natasha as she reads the entire thing before signing. "But still, better than nothing I suppose."

No one answers her.

There are photos of the team in full uniform on the steps of the UN. They are all smiling, looking relaxed, looking comfortable. 

Everything is the same as before.

Nothing is the same as before, thinks Steve as he looks around his room in the Avengers facility. Except for appearances. Everything looks the same, but Steve knows it is not. He has noticed the way Tony avoids eye-contact with him, the tension in the older man's frame, the brittleness of Tony's smile as he welcomes them back. And Steve knows he deserves this, he has let Tony down in the worst possible way, he has betrayed his trust, their tentative, budding friendship and though he tells himself he would still do the same, he knows different. If he gets another chance to do it over, he would tell Tony the truth and would trust in their friendship to make him listen to reason regarding Bucky.

Steve knows it is wishful thinking. He knows there are no second chances. But he also knows he is not ready to give up. He would earn Tony's forgiveness even if it takes him the rest of his life. And Steve knows his life is likely to last long. 

Things appear to go back to normal in a few days. Between the rest of the team and Tony anyway. But then, none of them had betrayed Tony's trust. None of them had attacked him and left him in Siberia half-dead. Whatever tension between them could be solved by simple apologies.

It is not so simple for Steve. 

Steve sits at the kitchen table, drinking coffee when Tony approaches him. 

"Barnes is in cryosleep, I heard."

Steve wonders what Tony wants, why he is there, why he is asking about Bucky. But he answers anyway, "He thought it was best."

"And you?"

Steve doesn't know what he thinks. He misses Bucky, but the rational part of his mind knows that Bucky made the right call.

"It isn't about me," he says. "He... he made his decision."

And it still hurts Steve that he had to leave Bucky there, back in Wakanda. That he can find no way to save him.

Tony clears his throat and says very carefully, "We have this tech which could help Barnes. But he will need to be brought out of the cryosleep before we can say anything definite."

Steve grips his mug hard. He looks at Tony, but Tony is looking at the wall. "Help, how?" Steve's voice cracks.

Tony winces, but still doesn't look at Steve. "Help break the conditioning. If you want, I can send someone over to Wakanda to work with him. I can talk to T'Challa."

"Why are you asking me?" Steve asks finally, but what he really wanted to ask was: Why are you doing this? But he cannot ask because if Tony can find a way to bring Bucky back, then Steve is not going to mess with it.

"Because he is not in a position to take decisions, not until he comes out of cryosleep anyway. So it's your call."

Steve nods, "Thank you."

"I think you should go with my team, to tell Barnes, to be with him. The treatment could be,” he pauses, “traumatic, since it will need him to remember the past,”

Steve wonders if Tony wants to get rid of him that desperately. He tries to feel elated that there is a chance for Bucky to come back, he tries to feel grateful to Tony for wanting to do this, but all he can feel is despair swamping him.

"What if I'm needed here?" He forces himself to ask through a suddenly tight throat.

"Unless it's something major, we can handle it," says Tony. "If it is major, I'll send the jet for you."

Steve knows he should agree, that he should go. Bucky is going to need him. But he also knows that he cannot stand to leave Tony again. He doesn't even know why, except that he has regretted what he did to Tony every day since and he has not stopped missing Tony for one minute.

He thinks how ironic it is that he still misses Tony even when they are sitting next to each other.

"Will you be coming too?" He asks, trying to sound casual. It is Tony's tech after all.

Tony looks at him for the first time and Steve feels a painful tightening in his chest. "No," says Tony. "I'm an engineer, not a doctor. T'Challa has qualified medical professionals and I have qualified people to offer tech support."

Steve looks away from Tony and at the blank wall opposite. "When do you want me to leave?"

That comes out all wrong, as if Tony is making him leave instead of offering to help his friend, but Steve feels too hurt to be logical about it and, dammit, it feels like Tony is trying to get rid of him by using Bucky because he knows Steve will never say no to a chance for helping Bucky.

Tony says, "I'll let you know once I've set it up with T'Challa." He rises and takes something out of the kitchen cabinet and places it in front of Steve. It is a first-aid box.

"You might want to patch up that hand," he says as he leaves.

Steve looks at his hand and realizes he has crushed his mug and that blood is seeping out of his clenched fingers.


	2. Chapter 2

Wakanda is the same as in his memory. 

Granted, Steve spent very little time there, but what he remembers is the same. The familiarity is comforting, and helps Steve ignore the crushing weight in his chest. He tries not to think of Tony, tells himself that Bucky needs him, and it is not hard since there are no memories of Tony in this place. T’Challa welcomes him warmly, tells him that Bucky will be brought out of cryosleep the next day and once his physical condition is assessed and his willingness for the treatment ascertained, they shall move ahead with the tests to determine what treatment would best suit Bucky.

BARF has not been designed for cases like Bucky’s, the scientists who came along with him tells him. But it seems Tony has made some modifications to the program. It is still experimental and till they can run some tests on Bucky in his conscious state, they cannot adapt the program to suit his needs.

Steve listens attentively and he knows he should feel grateful to Tony for taking the trouble to adapt his tech to help Bucky, but it still feels like Tony was trying to get rid of Steve. But then, Steve was the one who left in the first place, who chose Bucky over Tony, who tried to protect Bucky at the cost of lying to Tony and later on, of trying to… Steve tries to tell himself he was not trying to kill Tony, that he only meant to disable the suit, but he also knows that he was capable of murder that day, and he had left Tony there anyway without checking if Tony would be able to make it out alive. So perhaps, it was natural that Tony didn’t want him around and since he had already made it clear that he wouldn’t hesitate to go to any lengths for Bucky, Tony made it possible for him to leave with the minimum amount of pain. 

That thought gives Steve pause. Tony has been considerate enough to get rid of Steve in this way, but Steve knows he doesn’t deserve that consideration. And in spite of Tony’s consideration, in spite of the possibility of Bucky becoming free, Steve still feels hollow inside. It is like a giant vacuum in his chest that he had never recognized and in the sleepless nights since Siberia, Steve had realized that the vacuum had Tony’s shape and Tony’s face and Tony’s voice and Tony’s smile.

Steve is there when they bring Bucky out of cryosleep. He is there when Bucky opens his eyes, confused, wary, afraid, as if he expected the worst. His features relax as his eyes alight on Steve, and though Steve smiles, he can still see the concern in Bucky’s eyes.

T’Challa’s doctors examine him and he is fit enough for the treatment, physically anyway. They leave him alone with Bucky to tell him, and Steve is grateful.

“So?” Bucky breaks the silence. “What is it?”

“Stark Industries has a way to help you,” he says. He doesn’t know why it is so difficult for him to say Stark’s name. “They have a tech that could break HYDRA’s programming.”

Bucky is silent for a moment, and Steve could see him process the words. “Stark industries?” he asks now.

Steve nods, knowing he won’t be able to speak.

“But they are not certain,” it is a statement, but Steve can hear the unasked question.

“They… they feel fairly confident that once they have run some tests and determine how HYDRA did it, they could break it.”

He doesn’t tell him that the technology would need to be modified.

Bucky nods. “Why is Stark doing it?” he asks now.

Steve thinks he knows the answer, but he also knows he can’t tell Bucky that. So, he settles for another truth, “I haven’t asked.”

There is silence for a moment and then Bucky says, “I guess I have nothing to lose.”

And Steve again hears the unspoken words that Bucky will not say, for he knows that Steve will do anything and everything to stop him from going back to cryosleep.

“I’ll tell them,” he says.

Bucky claps him on the shoulder, “Lighten up,” he says. “I got your back.”

And Bucky doesn’t know the effort it takes for Steve to crack a smile at that.

They run the tests on Bucky the next day. Steve stands next to the technicians while they explain to him about neural pathways and mapping them and about the various areas of the brain that could have been affected by the programming. But they also need to map him as the trigger words are spoken. 

Bucky swallows hard as they tell him this. But he nods. “I can write them down for you,” he says. “I… I remember them.”

Steve looks at Bucky in shock because he didn't know Bucky remembered them, but he is grateful as well because he does not need to delay Bucky's treatment while they hunt for the book with the trigger words.

It hurts Steve to see him like this. It hurts even more when T’Challa has his soldiers ready just outside in case Bucky cannot be brought back peaceably. 

It hurts like nothing has ever done to see Bucky disappear as the Winter Soldier takes his place.

The scientists are excited, and the Winter Soldier stands immobile in the middle of the room, waiting for his mission. One of the doctors, the one who has read the trigger words asks him to lie down and he does. He is injected with something and he closes his eyes.

“We can do it,” the scientists tell him. “But it will take some time to adapt the tech.”

Bucky says he wants to go back to cryosleep till the tech is ready and the doctors concur.

It is hard on Steve, but he has no choice. T’Challa lays a sympathetic hand on his shoulder and says, “I have contacted Tony Stark. Under the circumstances, he agrees there is nothing you can do here till Sgt. Barnes’ treatment starts. If you wish to return to the US, I can make arrangements.”

Steve hesitates. There’s a bitter taste in his mouth as he thinks of meeting Tony again. Tony who treats him like a stranger, who avoids his eyes and who never stays in his presence any longer than is necessary.

In the end, he decides to go back because painful as it is, he still hopes he can find a way to make it up to Tony for everything he’d done.


	3. Chapter 3

Steve finds the shield in his room when he gets back, and a note attached to it, “My father made this for you,” it says. “It is not for me to take it from you.” 

For the first time, he dares to hope. 

Tony is not in the compound when Steve goes to find him. They tell him that he’s been working on the BARF in Stark Tower ever since he got the reports on Bucky’s tests. Steve tries to feel grateful, except there’s this sick feeling in the pit of his stomach, because he knows that Tony’s workshop at the compound is as well-equipped as anything in Stark Towers. There is no reason on earth why Tony should not be working from the compound.

Steve tries to put Tony out of his mind, he trains with the others, listens to their jokes, cracks smiles, watches Wanda make tentative overtures to Vision and watches Vision’s initial frostiness thaw under the warmth of her smiles and his heart aches as he thinks of Tony. Wanda and Vision seem to get over their differences surprisingly fast and it only reminds him of the gaping chasm that is between him and Tony, and one which Tony is not giving him a chance to bridge.

He wants to earn Tony’s forgiveness, to rebuild the other man’s trust in him, but how is that possible when Tony won’t even give him a chance? 

So, Steve trains harder, destroys most of the bags in the gym and pretends everything is normal. And if he notices the worried glances Sam is shooting his way and the shrewdness in Nat’s eyes, he chooses to ignore them.

One day, Nat corners him at the gym. 

She just watches him, quietly, doesn’t say a word as he destroys five bags one after the other.

He can feel her presence and it weighs on him and he turns to her.

“What?” it comes out more aggressive than he intends.

She lifts her arms, “Relax, am not here to interrogate you, Steve.”

He sits down on the floor with his back to the wall and she sits next to him.

“What do you want, Nat?”

“To tell you that you’re not alone. You have friends, Steve. You don’t need to deal with this alone.”

Steve sighs as he leans his head back against the wall. “But I don’t have Tony.”

There's a shift in her eyes and Steve realizes that she hadn't known, that she probably thought he was worried about Bucky, that he could be worried about mending fences with Tony probably never even occurred to her. But then, none of the others had been Tony's friends and Steve feels, no, he's suddenly certain that apart from Rhodes, he was the only one Tony ever called friend. And somehow, that makes him feel worse than ever.

“Give him time,” is what she says.

“How much time, Nat?” he mutters. “It has been a year.” Besides, he knows Nat doesn’t know the whole story, none of the others do, they don’t know about Siberia and if they did, it is possible they would not be so sympathetic towards him. But he's still doubtful. He knows they thought Tony left them in the RAFT, but he also knows that had Siberia never happened, had he been upfront with Tony about his parents from the first, Tony would have helped him rescue them. 

It strikes Steve then that he is keeping secrets from his team mates – his friends – again. And he remembers how it turned out the last time. So, he clears his throat and says, “You don’t know the whole story, Nat. None of them do.”

“Then, maybe it is time you told us, soldier,” her tone is deliberately light.

Steve nods. He knows he has to do it. 

“You can come inside,” Nat speaks into her comm and Steve chuckles. Trust Nat to do something like this.

They all come in then, Clint and Wanda and Sam and Scott and Vision. Rhodes is not there, but then, the man is Tony’s oldest friend and he probably knows all that has happened. Steve feels his insides clench with guilt as he remembers Rhodes plummeting from the sky, even though it was not his fault. And he thinks that Tony probably blames himself more than anyone else for it and again his heart aches for the other man. 

They sit in front of him, their eyes on him. It makes him uncomfortable, but he knows he has to do it. He is not going to spare himself again, not at the expense of the truth.


	4. Chapter 4

Steve sleeps better these days. Telling his team what happened has been cathartic in a way. Surprisingly, none of them judges him for it. He hadn't expected that, but he's grateful all the same. 

Tony still stays away and his absence weighs on Steve’s mind and he knows the pain is not getting any better. A letter and a phone does not come close to making up for what he did. But somehow, at the time, he had thought it was enough; that asking for Tony’s forgiveness and telling him he’d be there would be enough.

He knows different now. And it hurts him to think that it needed their return here to make him realize what he did to Tony was beyond mending with words. And it is heart-breaking when he realizes that he has no idea how to mend it.

The alert is sudden. There is a crisis, an extra-terrestrial attack that needs them. Tony joins them as Iron Man as they fight the aliens. The fight is tough and bloody and they finally defeat the enemy. The aliens self-destruct their ship and the survivors are stripped of their armour and weapons and are handed over to the army of the country they were in.

They head back to the compound afterwards and this time, Tony comes with them. Steve is suddenly hopeful, because in the field out there, it was as if nothing had changed, as if the Accords and Siberia had never happened. Tony was as snarky as ever and it didn’t seem as if he distrusted them, as if he distrusted Steve.

“Call it, Cap,” he had said, just as he did in previous missions and Steve’s heart feels a lot lighter when he thinks of it.

Once they are back at the compound and their injuries have been taken care of, Tony doesn’t leave. But he still refuses to let Steve get close to him, talking to him only when there are others present.

Sam asks Tony if he’s going back to the Tower and Tony shrugs, “I can do my work from here,” he says. “We lost some time because I was there.”

“Did anyone else get the feeling that we won too easily?” asks Steve, thoughtful. 

Tony nods. “It was a recon,” he says. “That is why we need to be here, together.”

“So, you think they’ll be back,” says Nat. 

“If it was a recon, they will definitely be back.”

“The last time we dealt with Extra-terrestrials, we didn’t do so good,” says Steve. “We need to contact Thor. He might know something about them.”

“I’m working on it,” Tony says, and why is Steve not surprised. “I figured it wouldn’t hurt to find a way to call him when we need him rather than his coming to us when something goes wrong.”

“You better do it fast then,” says Steve. “And I’ll have a talk with the Generals and find out if our captive friends have anything to say.”


	5. Chapter 5

Steve goes to Tony’s lab. Tony is working on the communication device with Thor. Steve watches him a while before he says, “The captured aliens are dead,”

Tony looks at him. “Was the interrogation too enthusiastic?”

“They never had a chance to interrogate them. It seemed the aliens self-destructed themselves and took around 50 soldiers with them.”

Tony frowns. “I thought we stripped them of all weapons.”

“So did I,”

“Obviously, we missed something,” mutters Tony. “I don’t like it.”

Steve doesn’t like it either. 

“I hope I can finish this fast,” Tony says, going back to what he was doing. “We have no leads and Thor might know something helpful.”

Steve doesn’t leave and Tony looks up. “The BARF is ready. It only needs some fine tuning which my people are doing. But under the circumstances, I think the treatment would have to be postponed since we need you here,”

“Of course,” Steve says, surprised. “I know this takes precedence,”

Tony’s glance at him is skeptical at best. “Just thought I’d clarify things,” he says as he returns to work. 

There’s a sinking feeling in Steve’s stomach as he realizes Tony expected him to argue, to insist that Bucky’s treatment start immediately, that figuring out the alien threat can wait.

Steve feels a familiar constriction around his chest and feels breathless. If he doesn't know it was impossible, he would have thought his asthma has returned. He watches Tony work, oblivious to Steve and to his presence.

“Tony,” he says.

Tony stills for a moment, sighs and looks at him, carefully putting down whatever it was he was working on.

“What is it, Cap?”

“I…” suddenly Steve doesn’t know what to say, and he’s afraid. But he’s Captain America and he cannot be afraid and he takes a deep breath and says, “I know it’s not enough Tony, but I’m truly sorry. I know I should have told you the truth.”

“Yes, you should have,” Tony says calmly. “But you didn’t, and I don’t see why you are bringing this up now.”

“Because I can’t stand for things to be like this between us. Tony, I would undo what I did if I can, but I can’t. I can only apologize.” He pauses. “You’ve forgiven Bucky, but not me. And… just tell me what I have to do to earn your forgiveness.”

Tony smiles, but it is such a sad smile that it breaks Steve’s heart. “Sit down, Steve,” Tony says, and his expression is still sad, but gentle as well.

Steve sits down, feeling lost. 

“You see, it is not about my forgiving you. If I hadn’t forgiven you, I wouldn’t have given back that shield to you, I wouldn’t have fought for the charges against you to be dropped, I wouldn’t have fought for the team to be rebuilt.” Tony pauses and his eyes are still on Steve’s. “But I can never go back to trusting you as I once did.”

Steve swallows. He feels numb. He wishes he could feel something.

“I know that you’re older than me, Cap,” Tony says, “But I’ve lived longer. And perhaps you have not lived enough to know that trust is a fragile thing. And I’ve had it broken one too many times,”

Steve thinks he knows what Tony is talking about. Everyone from Obadiah Stane to SHIELD to Steve had broken Tony's trust in one way or other, but he also knows that Tony never trusted SHIELD, not as he trusted him. "I'm not them," he wants to say, but the words choke him and refuse to come out. Perhaps Tony understands what he is thinking because he shakes his head gently.

“It makes no difference, Steve. You broke my trust, maybe in a different way, but you broke it nevertheless. And it hurt just as badly.” 

“But you forgave us, you didn’t forgive Stane,” Steve manages to say past the lump in his throat. He says us because he doesn't want to say me. 

“Yes, I forgave you because I realized that your intentions were not to betray me, not deliberately anyway. But I still cannot go back to trusting you.” 

Steve has no illusions that Tony is speaking about the team here. 

“You trusted me on the field,” Steve cannot stop himself from saying it.

“I did, I still do. Out on the field Iron Man trusts Captain America to have his back, just as he trusts the rest of the Avengers. But Tony Stark cannot trust Steve Rogers again. We can be team mates, and for the sake of this planet, we have to be. But we can never again be friends, or – more.”

There is an expression on Tony’s eyes remarkably like pity as he speaks.

Steve’s breath catches at the last word. Has Tony ever considered the possibility that they could be more than friends? Or is it just that Steve is so transparent that Tony could not help but notice?

"So, that's it?" Steve cannot recognize his own voice. "The Avengers can never be anything more than a team fighting together?"

"It can never be what it once was, Steve," says Tony quietly. "And I'm sorry too. But - that's the only way for me to be part of this."

Steve is quiet then, he cannot describe what he is feeling, there's a sharp pain in his chest that is almost physical and he cannot breathe. 

“Now that we have it out of the way,” Tony says, turning away from him, “Why don’t you go brief the others about the self-destructing aliens while I attempt to finish my work?”

It is a clear dismissal and Steve knows he won't be doing any good by being obdurate. He nods as he still cannot speak, even though he knows Tony can't see him. Steve cannot even trust himself to think. He wishes he were numb again. He wishes he could ask Tony if there was ever a chance for them becoming more, but he’s afraid of the answer, afraid of the gentleness in Tony’s eyes, afraid of Tony’s pity.

Outside the workshop, he stands for a while, just breathing. He has a job to do, he has a planet to protect, he is an avenger and he cannot afford to be weak. 

He wonders if there’s a serum for mending a broken heart.

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first work in this fandom. Comments and suggestions are welcome. English is not my mother-tongue, so please excuse any grammatical errors.


End file.
